the school girl crush

I am a big fan of the school girl crush. I thought it was forgotten, a thing of the past, still dwelling in my 6th grade locker. But some how it found a way back to me...and I feel like a giddy little girl.

I began to feel its effects last weekend after going out with my friend, Audrey, one of the only girls that will stay up and party with me all night, get maybe three hours of sleep, and then wake up with me the next morning, laughing and offering disposable toothbrushes from her purse--they are amazing, by the way. And so is she! Audrey is smart, funny, and independent. She, like me, is hesitant to rush into anything, not wanting to put her heart into the hands of just anybody, for fear that they will crush it, or drop it, or change it, or infect it with cooties, ew.

That is why it surpised me to find that after hanging out with the guy she is interested in last weekend, she began to show symptoms of the school girl crush.

1. The inability to control thoughts as they linger on the crush.
2. Excessive giggling, singing, or skipping.
3. Doodling names with little hearts on notebooks, or in more severe cases, on skin.
4. Playing trivial games to prove romantic compatibility.
5. An overpopulation of butterflies residing in the stomach.

And because during this highly contagious period I was exposed to her crush's friend, who happens to be cute, sweet, and a great kisser, the symptoms spread. Now, Audrey and I cannot help ourselves, feeding off the excitement of the other, compelled to play games like MASH. It is probably sickening to witness, but, to be completely honest, I absoluteley love it.

I was begining to think that the excitement that comes from meeting new people was limited to anticipations of a phone call, and mature discourse on the admirable qualities of your potential mate. I am so fortunate to find myself wrong. It is refreshing to know that this feeling can still exist at the age of 21, that the spirit does not harden so much with time as to prevent such excitment from being felt. And if ever you begin to feel these symptoms, as ridiculous as they make you appear, do not try to suppress them. The reminder of the propensities of a youthful heart, is one of life's greatest gifts.

the ex

A couple of years ago I became romantically involved with this guy, Ryan. He had just moved here from Austin, he was completely unaware of how attractive he was, and he was in a band. I immediately saw visions of myself waking up from a slumber to him serenading me with his guitar outside my window under the moon and a sky full of stars. It was perfect. Well, my vision was perfect. Turns out he kind-of-sort-of had a girlfriend of fives years back in Austin....

But I convinced myself this wasn't my problem! It wasn't me that made a commitment of fidelity. It wasn't me facing an ethical dilemma. So, being young, and with a yearning heart, I continued to see him.

I am going to skip over the "ooOos" and "Awws" of young love. And I will spare you the details of when he finally dumped his girlfriend, sulked for about a month, and then stopped seeing me, as well, to pursue a myriad of other girls. I am jumping right to the part, 2 years later, where I ask him to be my friend on facebook only to find that he is back to living in Austin, and dating his ex.

My initial reaction to this discovery was not the expected resentment or jealousy, but pity. More and more I find people gravitating back to their exes, like moths to the flame, like rats to the cheese, compulsive eaters to the dairy queen. In every situation it is just sad. You'd think that being human and with a cognitive thought process one would make a different choice, and not repeatedly make the same mistake. But somehow, when one returns to their ex, it is justified by fate, its because they are in love.

I have heard it all before, we are in love, we always have been, we were just confused for a little while, but our hearts found a way back to eachother. Does anyone honestly believe this? Are we all too frightened of the truth, and seeing the situation for what it is? I am not assuming that every situation is the same. People could get back together for comfort, or for reassurance, or maybe just for great sex. But I think we can all agree that if a couple breaks up, something was not working out, and although there may be chemistry, the compatibility as far as a healthy relationship goes, is lacking.

Instead of returning to what you know, or who you know, rather, I urge everyone to embrace the unknown. There is so much to learn from so many different people. There is no need to look back with regret, just move on. If the "one" is out there, it is not the ex.

I am a poor, college art student, currently residing under the roof of my parents, burdened with babysitting my 8 year old sister by day, and escaping my controlling father by night. Like most my age, I spend a good deal of my time drinking heavily, listening to music, meeting strangers, really getting to know them in one night, and then spending the next day analyzing every detail with my friends.


But the older I become, and the more I delude myself with great love stories, the more I desire a certain someone. I do not require much, only that he is smart, can make me laugh, and would, without a doubt, sacrifice himself to give me his flotation device if ever we are drowning in freezing water. Oh, and, I'd prefer him to be stunningly handsome as well.


I have been relatively content with staying single, biding my time until I met the one, and creating elaborate fantasies with my friends. But, somehow, now, I find myself to be alone in this search. All of my friends are in a relationship, and all of them consider me to be "the one you can depend on," so I hear every little detail of their romantic lives, and to be quite honest....it is nothing like the movies. I now have a friend that is pregnant and hopelessly in love with her ex, one that is controlled by an obsessive boyfriend who would most likely cry if she were to even mention Robert Pattinson, and one trying to sleep her way to the top in LA, convincing herself that she is actually happy.


And this is where I begin to question relationships, love, and soul-mates. Is there actually "the one," the perfect counterpart to our souls, destined by the stars alignment? Or is it really just a fantasy instilled in our hearts by the media, propogating the value and necessity of marriage in a modern society?


I am prepared to expose my own dating life and that of my peers, in the hope that through its exploration, some answers may be deduced. Join me?